J.M. English

Map, circa 1983

At the gate in the backyard, enter & turn left. This is where the blackberries grow. You are told
there are alligators on the other side of the fence, but you never see them.

On top of the counters in the kitchen, you sit with your little brother & lick cake batter
from the metal beaters of your mother’s mixer. You like to put your feet in the sink.

See the kitchen sink. This is where your mother will try to stab your father. You & Jared cannot be consoled.

Enter the hallway. Here your father gives you a picture of a ballerina. Here your father tells you goodbye.

Exit down the hall & to the left. Here is where you & Jared will eat watermelon seeds
to try to become pregnant.

Map, circa 1986

The living room is small with white couches that must, you are told, stay white.

But begin outside of the apartment, beneath the California weeping fig in the neighbor’s yard, here you are groped for the first time. You are in the first grade.

Enter through the front door. Turn left & then right into the bathroom. Here you will vomit into the toilet when your mother throws a surprise birthday party for you. All the kids are sent home.

From the bathroom, make a left into the dining room where you will eat shark battered in beer.

This is the only thing you remember your mother ever cooking.

The apartment shakes at least once a week. God is angry with you.

Map, circa 1989

In the fifth grade, you pee your pants in math class. The boy you have a crush on mops it up. You call your father to tell him you are coming to live with him.

Enter a dream where you see the terrible world behind the world. No exit. (God is still angry with you.)

From Colorado, you will write letters to your dog Excalibur & tell him to tell your mother you said hello.

Enter your bedroom, this is where you keep The Inferno & The Human Reproductive System beneath your bed. You think sketches of the vagina & Dante’s circles of hell resemble one another.

Down the hall, left, then right, that is where you write a letter to God & ask him to send down an angel to write you back. You lock the letter in your bedroom & place a do not disturb sign on your door. You’ve lost your backpack, & you want to know where it is.

J.M. English received her MFA in creative writing from the University of Notre Dame in 2009. Her work has appeared in various magazines including Fogged Clarity, Cahoots, and Helix. She lives near Savannah, Georgia with her husband.